Mark Zuckerberg Is Getting the Eliza Doolittle Treatment Before Appearing Before Congress

Facebook chief executive Mark Zuckerberg is reportedly undergoing a personality glow-up in preparation for his appearance before Congress this week. The tech whiz, who may be a malfunctioning Westworld host, received a summons from congressional leadership that was just a Ricky Ricardo meme reading, “You got some ‘splainin’ to do!”

According to a New York Times report, Zuckerberg has brought in a team of experts to help him present an air of calm, responsible leadership. The effort intends to put Zuckerberg “through a crash course in humility and charm.” Humility and charm! How adorable. On one hand, it’s a little strange that Facebook looked at this immense public trust issue and decided, “This is a job for a Henry Higgins type.” On the other, this is perhaps the first time in recorded history that it’s the man whose being told to smile more and play nice.

Zuckerberg’s training reportedly involves mock hearings, in which team members play members of Congress who will be grilling the executive on the consulting firm which improperly obtained the data of up to 87 million Facebook users. The company wouldn’t let reporters in to the sessions, but we can piece together how it went.

Will Smith as Hitch: We’ve got a full day ahead of us. We’re going to do the mock-trial first, then there’s smiling and blinking practice, followed by your runway and your lip-sync. Are you up for it?

Zuckerberg Hologram: I’ve been sewing subliminal messages into the stitching of my hoodie all morning.

Hitch: That’s great. You may also want to write a message on your eyelids. That worked in Indiana Jones.

Zuckerberg: What kind of message? “Resist me at your own peril?”

Hitch: How about just, “Who wants a hug?”

Zuckerberg: Ugh. Hugs. Fine. Okay, so this mock-trial, how does it work? You’re going to pretend to be other people and I’m going to pretend to be a person?

Hitch: Pretty much. Yes.

Zuckerberg: At what point do I tag in Jesse Eisenberg?

Hitch: I think you’re on your own on this one.

Zuckerberg: Dislike button! What is the point of being so rich if I still have to follow rules and talk to publicly elected officials?

Hitch: Honestly, I don’t know. It’s a real shame. Someone should do something about that.

Zuckerberg: Is that a hint? Cuz Bezos and I are ready to begin the revolution any minute. If he hadn’t wasted all that time making American mayors Hunger Games each other for the privilege of being the site of his new drone farm, we would be done already.

Hitch: Well, unless you two can begin the End Times overnight, you’re going to have to endure this hearing.

Zuckerberg: Alright, let’s get started. Ask me some questions. I will charm you!

Hitch: Did you know that Cambridge Analytica, a consulting firm connected to the Trump campaign, was obtaining the data of your users?

Zuckerberg: Okay, I have to pause. I feel like people are going to get mad at me if I answer “Yes.”

Hitch: That is true.

Zuckerberg: Okay. Thanks. My answers is yes.

Hitch: Now people are mad at you.

Zuckerberg: I don’t care. Oh, sorry. I charmingly don’t care.

Hitch: That’s not how this works.

Zuckerberg: Remember that time I randomly went to Iowa and everyone suspected I was running for president and I was like, “No, I just enjoy eating ‘food’ with gross normals.'” That was very charming and convincing.

Hitch: No, it wasn’t.

Zuckerberg: Oh, well. I guess I’ll just have to get the data to vote for me. Are we done yet? Oh, excuse me. Humbly, are we done yet?

Hitch: Sure, I guess. Good luck. Congress is going to be going over your every word with a fine-toothed comb.

Zuckerberg: Words, words, words! I’m sick of words. I’ve had enough! You’re deleted.

Hitch: You can’t actually delete me.

Zuckerberg: Who said that?

Source : Elle
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